The Main Event – My battle with Weight and Finding My Inner Goddess!

Round Three: Overcoming Demons

I was in a dark place and decided that the best course of action was to act like everyone else my age and hide behind drinking and partying. I lost sight of who I was and what I wanted out of life. I was acting in a negative way and therefore negative things happened in my life. I got involved with the wrong crowds, stayed out late, worried my poor mother almost to an early grave, and did not pursue my goals I had set as a young child to become a doctor. I was wasting my life and then… I finally snapped out of it and not a moment too soon. A lot of the people that I was hanging around with got involved in illegal activity and most of them ended up in and out of jail.

That was my wake up call and so I decided to get serious about my life. I was twenty and started dating this guy who seemed sweet and sincere. He had great eyes and an infectious smile which was almost the end of me. I had this idea to start a line of fragrances’ and he was quick to jump on board with the idea. We started out small and then became somewhat successful. He was the biggest mistake of my life- long story short, he stole money and left me homeless, and then he took his own life. After that, I gained a huge amount of weight due to stress and depression so I moved to Cleveland to live with my Aunt and get my life back on track once again. I tried everything from walking to running in order to lose the 60 pounds I gained, but there was one thing that eluded me and that was the concept of eating right. I was working out and not losing a pound, in fact I was gaining weight. I continued to walk to work every day and had all but given up until I met Joe.

Joe had the body of a Greek God! Some say that he looks like an anatomy chart and it is kind of true. He was gorgeous and I thought I had a less than zero chance. I just stared at him from a far every time he would come into the store I was working at. Then one day I noticed he was coming in for no apparent reason. He would just come up to the counter and talk to me for hours and my boss finally had to tell him to ask me out or buy something and so he asked me out. We hit it off and unofficially dated for a few months before I moved back to Colorado. Once I got settled back home he came for a visit and one thing led to another and he moved out to Denver.

He was what I like to call the” Fitness Nazi” and it was exactly what I needed. He taught me about eating well and working out regularly and it wasn’t long until I was back in great shape and feeling good about myself. This time it was different, I finally started to accept myself for who I was. I started to embrace my curves and love my body for everything it was and wasn't. I had finally gotten to a place where I was truly happy with the way I looked and I had decided that I looked pretty damn amazing despite what "mainstream" deemed as sexy!

After two and a half years we ended our relationship, but we still remain the best of friends. I kept my body in shape and worked out regularly for a while until I lost that drive and became complacent with where I was at. We all do it because it is easier to accept what is there rather than striving for what is better. We get lazy and fall back in to old habits or whatever the excuse that makes us sleep better. If I had known that I would gain back half of that 60 pounds in less than a year, you bet your ass I would’ve continued to work out and eat right. It is so much harder to gain back that momentum once you have let it go!

To be continued.....

The Main Event – My battle with Weight and Finding My Inner Goddess!

Round Two: Negative Self-image

My tween/teenage years were a nightmare, I was already developed in certain areas (wink-wink) and I still had my supermodel strut which made me a huge target for other kids to constantly pick on me. Being beat up and called names everyday takes a toll on a girl. I was back to my ways of being self-conscious and hating my body and the way I looked. I had curves and was tall and I thought I was fat and ugly because I let all those people get inside my head. I remained reclusive and didn't talk to people much because I was afraid of what they thought about me.

It wasn't until I turned 18 that I decided I was going to get in the best shape I could and I couldn't give a damn what others thought of me. I had a whole new set of friends and I was finally coming in to my own. I started to embrace what I had, but it wasn't long before I tried to convince myself that I needed to change my body to conform to what the magazines and mainstream media deemed the “norm” of what a woman looks like. I was kidding myself, I have never been nor will I ever be a size zero. I am just not built that way, but I thought I had to look that way to be accepted. I tried everything short of bulimia to look the way I perceived as being beautiful. This was all enough to send me into a terrible downward spiral of depression and horrible negative self-image issues. And even though I was in the best shape of my life I hated my body……

The Main Event – My battle with Weight and Finding My Inner Goddess!

Round One: Self-confidence Learned at an Early Age

As requested, this is my confession of being totally obsessed with my weight! It’s true and if you know me then I am sure I have asked you at some point “Does this make me look fat?” I can’t help myself and I have no one to blame but me, but the good news is that I made it to a point in my life where I can finally embrace my curves and say with conviction that I am sexy as heck….!

I guess the best place to start is from the beginning.... So here it is!

It all started one perfect January afternoon back in 1990 in California at a brunch for my grandmothers birthday. I was discovered by the man who, at the time was the head of the Miss California Pageant Organization. Jeep Jones (head honcho), was staring at me from another table and my grandmother, who (if you know her then you this about her) is a spitfire that ya just don’t want to mess with, stood up and walked over to his table demanding an explanation as to why he had his “creepy little eyes all over her granddaughter”. He stood up and extended his hand with a look of horror in his eyes and introduced himself. Needless to say she was bright red in the face. She took his card and returned to the table too embarrassed to finish her meal.

After several months of preparation I entered the first of many pageants. It started with Miss San Bernardino County where I took 3^rd princes and Miss Photogenic. That was enough to qualify me for the next round which was Miss Inland Empire where I took 2^nd princes, Miss Photogenic, and Most Potential. Not to mention several hundreds of dollars in scholarship money. I qualified for the nationals held in Anaheim which was the beginning of the road to Miss California and eventually Miss America. I did not place in the Nationals, but I did receive Girl of the Year, Miss Photogenic, and Miss Congeniality. And I won several divisions including western wear, prettiest eyes, smile, and face. That was enough to send my self-confidence through the moon and as a tall lanky child who was constantly teased, it was much needed.

My family was transferred to Waycross, GA several months later where I entered one pageant and actually won the title. It was America’s Cover Miss USA and it came with some great prizes and more money. My southern beauty pageant career was short-lived as we eventually moved back home to the great state of Colorado.

A few months in to being back home (where I was born) my mother received a call out of the blue. It was one of the judges from the nationals in Cali. She was also a talent agent for the children’s division of Elite Modeling Agency. She wanted to sign me but I had to go to a modeling school where they could help me lose my pageant ways and become more marketable for print and runway work. I did just that and it started out great until they started hounding me about my weight and nitpicking about everything else. My mother saw the effect this was having on me and so being the wise woman that she is, she yanked me out and that was the end of my life as supermodel.

I was devastated and my family and friends spent the better part of a year trying to convince me that I was beautiful both inside and out. My mother always taught me that beauty is in the eye of the beholder and that being a good person was far more important than being “ Really, really, ridiculously good looking” LOL! How true those words are but it took me 15 years to really embrace it.

My New Secret Weapon.... Jamie Atlas and Bonza Bodies!

I would like to take a moment and give a shout-out to my friend and personal trainer Jamie Atlas.

Guys, I am going to be real with you. I am not, never have been, or ever will be a size 0, 2, 4, 6, and only once was I a 7/8 (damn I miss those days)! Recently I gained a massive amount of weight (40 ish pounds) and have a few other issues that lead me to believe there is something more going on than just being a chick. I have tried everything, every diet, pill, book, infomercial, etc, and nothing is working. Except Jamie! He just might be the best kept secret the Mile-High City has.

Jamie's knowledge is so extensive and he is so encouraging that it is hard not to want to see him on a daily basis. The results I'm getting even with this recent massive weight gain is amazing to me. I have had many trainers and so I know first hand that this guy is a gem!

When I figure out what is going on with me internally and can control it, well there is just going to be no stopping the fat loss!